


Apologising through a song

by istandbymooseintimeandspace



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-05
Updated: 2016-05-05
Packaged: 2018-06-06 15:02:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,951
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6758860
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/istandbymooseintimeandspace/pseuds/istandbymooseintimeandspace
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He hadn`t been able to stay away and now here he was. He hadn`t decided yet if it was the stupidest thing he had done or the best. When he had seen that Dean and his band were having a concert in California, Castiel had told himself to stay away, but he hadn`t been able to.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Apologising through a song

He hadn`t been able to stay away and now here he was. He hadn`t decided yet if it was the stupidest thing he had done or the best.   
When he had seen that Dean and his band were having a concert in California, Castiel had told himself to stay away, but he hadn`t been able to. He was actually surprised that the memories hadn`t flooded back to him the moment he saw his ex go on stage, `They will come later` he thought gloomily, fate had always liked to toy with him and this, as far as Cas could tell, was no exception.

“As for the next song, most of you probably know that I don`t do covers, but this song… when I first heard it, it just hit me. So this will be the only time you hear me sing a cover, but trust me it will be worth it – at least for me -. You have all heard it before, but now for the only time you will hear it from The Hunters!!”

Just as Dean shouted out the band`s name, the intro to Adele`s “Hello” began to play. Cas could hear some nervous giggling and someone else laughed, but most of the people seemed to really enjoy a rock band playing such a soft touchy-feely song. Castiel felt a twitch of sadness as Dean began the lyrics, his voice much tender now than it had been the whole night.   
Cas wasn`t sure if Dean meant to show so much raw emotions while he sang this song, nevertheless he did, and Castiel would follow Deans emotions with curiosity and a feeling of having his own emotions mirror Deans.

_Hello, can you hear me?_

_I am in California dreaming of who we used to be_

_When we were younger and free_

_I`ve forgotten how it felt before the world fell at our feet_

Castiel felt like Dean was staring right at him as he sang, but that was impossible, there was so many people at the concert arena and Cas stood far behind, near the door.

_So hello from the other side_

_I`ve must have called a thousand times, to tell you I am sorry for everything that I`ve done_

_But when I call you never seem to be home_

Memories of Dean calling and texting what felt like a thousand times came back to him as Dean sang, never had Cas had a song that he felt described his situation better than this one.

_Hello from the outside_

_At least I can say that I`ve tried_

_To tell you I`m sorry for breaking your heart_

_But it don`t matter it clearly doesn`t tear you apart anymore_

Was it the song that made him feel this way, or was Dean really trying to apologise to him through the song? Dean had said it was the only time he had – and would – sing it. Cas could feel the quilt crawling in his stomach, if Dean were really trying to apologise through this song, well Cas had his share of blame too, he had never picked up the phone, nor called back when Dean had called and texted. Besides, if he was apologising, he did seem sorry, take a look on his face and that was all he needed to know. Castiel had never seen so much and so raw emotions play on Dean Winchesters face, and it couldn`t be a coincidence, Dean obviously knew he lived in California, a quick google search and everyone who wanted to know where the famous Castiel Novak lived would know.   
The song just fitted too well to be random.   
He could see people drying their eyes as Dean finished the song. For a couple of seconds Dean just watched the crowd, but then he spoke:

“I didn`t tell you who I dedicated this performance to, and I did that because I was afraid – if he is here – that he would leave before I could sing it. However, now that I am finished I will say that I dedicate this performance to Cas. I uhm... you probably got it.”

Castiel was in shock the rest of the concert. Dean had really tried to apologise through the song that fit like a glove, and then dedicated the performance to him, his emotions was mixed up, but one thing was sure though; Castiel didn`t catch anything more of the concert.

30 minutes after Dean had dedicated the song to him, Cas found himself racing home. He was glad he had had a place close to the door so when the concert was over; he was one of the first ones out.   
From there it was only a fifteen-minute drive before he would be home in his apartment by the shore.

Five minutes after the concert was over, Castiel received a text, but he knew it wasn`t worth the risk of checking it, especially not when he was already racing 20 over the speed limit to get home faster.   
When he came in the door and had closed it behind himself, Castiel almost fell to his knees, all the good and the bad memories of his time with Dean came back and hit him square in the face. Every memory from when he first met Dean as a shy, awkward and nerdy 19 year old who showed up to Deans first concert, and had stayed behind trying to make up his mind and courage to talk to his crush, only for Dean to bump into him sweaty and smiling and then the conversations had begun. To their first kiss, shared behind an oak on their way home from a concert-date. To the last memory he had of the two of them; the memory of Dean leaving. That was the worst memory he had and no matter how much he drank or cried, it never went away. After all these years, it still came frequently back to him, and every time it brought tears to his eyes. Cas remembered it like it was yesterday.

_10 years ago:_

_Dean slammed the door behind them when they got home, anger seething of him._

_“_ _You could at least have said something Cas!” Dean yelled at him and Castiel`s blue eyes met Dean`s green, angry ones, but he didn`t say anything_

_“_ _You can`t just let people take advantage of you like that!”_

_“_ _He didn`t take advantage of me Dean!” Castiel was shouting back now, but him raising his voice didn`t seem to affect Dean the least._

_“No, but he would if I hadn`t come back when I did!”_

_“No he wouldn`t, I can take care of myself Dean!” Dean cocked an eyebrow_

_“Really? Even when he so openly flirted with you only to get in your pants, you didn`t do a thing except for sitting there like you didn`t know what was going to happen. You didn`t even say a word Cas!  
You could at least told him to fuck off because you have a boyfriend!” The only effect Deans words had on him was that it fuelled his anger _

_“Stop treating me like I am a baby who needs saving all the damn time DEAN! I can take care of myself. I don`t need your help!” His eyes were hard, but they softened a bit when he saw Deans face fall for a second._

_“Fine. You don`t need my help, then I am sure you don`t need me either. You will be fine, you obviously don`t need my help to get stuff you can`t reach – “_

_“I am not that short Dean” But Dean wasn`t done_

_“– Like stuff from the top shelf. You could always use a chair. And you can take care of yourself when you are sick, you obviously don`t need me to take care of you or fix your car when it is broken.  
Sure Castiel Novak can take care of himself. And if not, well there is always something or someone who will be ready to help him!” Dean glared at him for a second before he went to their shared bedroom and started to pull out his stuff from his part of the drawer. _

_“_ _Dean– “_

_“No Cas, you`ve made yourself pretty clear. You don`t need me, so I`m leaving” and that was his last words as he took his bag, jacket,_ car keys and stormed out of the house, leaving Cas behind.   
Cas just looked at the door for several minutes, tears falling down as he realised what had happened, what he had done and what Dean had done to him.

Castiel hadn`t thought he would ever see Dean again, but that was before tonight, before he saw him on stage.   
Leaning back against the door, he let out a sob. He still missed him, how could he still – after ten years – still miss Dean, the man who made him smile, the man who made him laugh, the man who showed him the world was an okay place to live, the man who made his heart race, the man who made his heart fall apart.   
Wiping his eyes, Castiel stood up and went into the kitchen to get a glass of water, the text he had received 25 minutes ago completely forgotten. Until a new one buzzed in.

With a shaking hand, Cas unlocked his phone and opened the messages that he now saw was from Dean. He had never been able to delete Deans number, he had always just scrolled faster so he didn`t have to look at Deans name or number or tiny face of the icon when he needed someone else`s number.

**From Dean:**

**Hey Cas, I hope you still have this number so you can get this, but if you don`t and I have now sent this to someone else, I am sorry, please just delete this message, it was not for you. However, if this is you Cas, please don`t delete it. I want you to read it the whole thing. Okay, so I know you live in California, and I don`t know if you know this, but I am in California right now, I finished my last concert 5 min ago. The band and I are taking a short vacation here before we continue our tour in a week.**   
**And I was wondering if you wanted to meet me? I would love to meet you and catch up with you again.**

**Dean W.**

Cas was staring at his phone, he couldn`t believe it, Dean wanted to catch up again. He read it again before moving on to the newest text.

**From Dean:**

**Okay, so I understand you are probably busy and I just sent the last text like 25 minutes ago, but I really wanted to know if you wanted to meet up, maybe we could meet at the café close to the ocean we dreamed about when we were younger at 4:30 tomorrow? I guess if this isn`t your number I will never know the answer, but if I am right and you have gotten these texts Cas, please give me an answer.**

**Dean W.**

Castiel swallowed thickly, his heart was racing and he didn`t know what to say. `It might be a mistake` his head said `It might be a good thing, maybe some closure` his heart said. For the first time in a very long time, Castiel fully followed his heart again, he texted Dean back with a small smile on his lips.

**From Castiel:**

**You were right, this is still my number Dean. It is nice to hear your band is still together, I guess it has become quite famous seen as you are on a tour.**   
**4:30 sounds nice, I will be there.**

**Cas**

After he sent it Cas realised how easy it was to text Dean again, how easily he had formulated the answer, like no time had passed at all. He quickly got a text back from Dean with only one word this time

**From Dean:**

**Great :)**

The next day Cas used much more time than he was willing to admit on deciding what to wear when he was meeting Dean.   
However, he ended up with dark suit pants and a nice blue shirt.

At 4:35 he arrived the café only to stop just inside as he spotted Dean sitting by the window. Castiel had to contain his gasp as he looked at Dean, he had seen how handsome he was yesterday, but today with a scruff and light blue jeans that hung low on his hips, a dark t-shirt and a flannel over, he was even more handsome.   
Castiel shook his head to clear it and walked cautiously over to where Dean sat with a coffee.

“Hello Dean” Dean looked up at him, clearly surprised if Cas could judge after the look on his face.

“Cas, you came” Castiels heart fluttered at hearing Dean say his name, but he understood Dean hadn`t believed he would come when he wasn`t on time.

“Of course I came, sorry I am late,” he added with a half-smile, but Dean – now with a big smile – brushed him off

“Not to worry Cas. Shall we sit outside?” Before Cas could even comprehend what he did, he found himself beaming at Dean and led the way outside to ta table with great view of the water, that wasn`t in any shadows.

“Have you been here before?” Cas shook his head, truth to be told, he had partly forgotten about it, partly he hadn`t wanted to go as it had reminded him to much of Dean and their dreams together.

“How long have you been on tour Dean?” Starting polite, good move Cas, he thought to himself as the waitress came to give him his coffee

“A bit over a month now, it is really fun actually” Then Cas sat there and listened to Dean talk about what he was most passionate about, and Castiel found himself enjoying just listening to the other man talk. There was a spark in his green eyes that made Cas` heart ache, telling the rest of him how much he missed him.

“How about you Cas? What have you been up to except for getting your name up there with your best-selling novels” Dean knew his books sold great, and that knowledge made his insides warm.   
The critics had said that they had never read a book with more diverse characters, written so well, and the raw emotions that he had described hit them right in the feels. Cas could thank his sharp eyes and intense stare that made him notice so many differences and emotions and qualities in people, that he could just put down on paper later.

“I am good, I too have been on a couple of tours for my books, but other than that I have only worked, and kept contact with some of my family. They weren`t very happy that I so suddenly moved from Kansas to California.” Knowing Cas` family, Dean could easily imagine the Novaks getting the message from Cas and how angry they must have been at him for ditching the family business to move over to California and become a writer, he chuckled at the thought and Cas grinned back at him.

“I miss you” The words came so sudden that Cas was taken back a bit

“What?”

“I miss you Cas. Over the last ten years, I have to admit I tried being with other men and women, but none of the relationships ended well, it wasn`t the same. It wasn`t you.” Cas looked at Dean partly in shock and the coffee that he had had on his way to his mouth was set down on the table again. Dean looked up at him from the table and Castiel could see the pain in the green of his eyes.

“Do you have any idea how many times I looked at a picture of us or of you and a little later found myself humming to `Wish you were here` of Pink Floyd while still looking at the picture?” Cas understood, he had heard the song on the radio several times over the last ten years and every time he heard it he thought of Dean.

“No, I have no idea how many times” He whispered, but before Dean could say anything he continued

“But I miss you too Dean. I was at you concert last night and when I came home afterwards, I couldn`t believe how much I still miss you. I have missed you too for the last ten years. Letting you walk out that door was the worst and biggest mistake I have ever done.” He told Dean and even though both men had tears in their eyes, their smiles were the same; strong, trying to compensate for the tears threatening to spill, yet genuine.

“Would you like to try again?” Dean was the one to ask with hope in his eyes. Castiel on the other hand grabbed Deans hand that lay on the table in his own and his emotions mirrored Deans; the hope in his eyes, the smile on his lips, the flutter of his heart.

“I would most definitely love that” Both their smiles growing bigger, before Deans smile turned boyish and cheeky

“You were at my concert. You heard me play Adele. You understood that I tried to apologize?”

“I did”

**Author's Note:**

> This is not my first fanfic, but it is my first published here, so I am sorry if something wrong happens during editing or something. Anyway I hope you like it and constructive critisism is always appreaciated :)


End file.
